Trapted

So all i've been doing this past week or so is just reading. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, unless you count staring at a computer screen waiting for someone to talk to something to do. I'm not one of those people though. It's been the same four purple walls and the same yellowish pages of my book. It's honestly driving me crazy. I want to be able to go out with my friends or just be able to go out. Sadly i've never been given that option. I'm not really sure what else i could be doing at home. There just doesn't seem to be anything besides my current activity. What i'm really amazed at is the fact that none of my friends have even called me to see where i've been. I don't think i've spoken to them in about four days and this doesn't seem to bother anymore. It makes me realize how alone in this world I truly am. Is this going to be what it'll be like when i'm back at school? Probably but I hope not. The only person I spent any time with last year was my ex-boyfriend but he hates me right now so calling him up and asking to hang out is out of the question. All I need is one friend. Just one. I'm not even going to be picky right now if it's a boy or a girl. Just one person to let me know that I actually mean something to someone and make me realize that life is in fact worth living. I don't see the point right now...

An Apology to Those I've Hurt

I've been doing a lot of thinking over these past couple of weeks. In my mind, I keep on replaying all of these different scenes from past relationships and previous fuck ups. It's like this constant movie reel always rolling and replaying all of the most horrid instances in which I hurt people. Many different people to be exact. I am well aware that I am not an easy person to deal with and I give a lot of credit to all five of my past boyfriends for putting up with me as long as you did. Living with depression and an anxiety disorder is a very interesting way of life. It's as if I am two different people; the good, kind me who everyone loves and then there's the evil side to me. The one that tortures people and hurts them to their very core. In every decision I have to make, these two voices are battling back and forth with each picture. In the movies, this would be represented by the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. But this is not the movies and the way I have described it makes me sound as if i'm even more insane then I claim to be. But don't worry, being the psychology major, I have analyzed myself with as much unbias as possible to know that this is not the case. I am crazy, but only a certain kind of crazy. One I am able to accept and live with. I might've made peace with who I am, but I've never been able to make peace with what I am capable of doing to people. Out of the five "wonderful" boyfriends (Well actually only four of them were "wonderful." One of them truly was.) i've had, i've managed to fuck up three of them. Boyfriend #1 was already fucked up to begin with and #3 was too normal to do anything to. But as the title of this lovely little rant says, I am writing this to apologize those three guys even though I doubt they will ever read this. And if they do and figure out who is writing this, then hopefully they can accept my apology. #5 probably won't but you can't blame a girl for trying. Anyway, I feel absolutely terrible as to everything I have done to you three and have barely forgiven myself for it. I am trying but it isn't easy especially when you have your own personal movie playing over and over again in your head. If I could take back all of the evil and horrible things I have done to you then I would. As one of you have told me, this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and I know I will. I don't forgive easily, especially when the person i must forgive is myself. As someone very wise said, "You are your worst enemy." I am definitely my own.

Long Time No See

So it's been a very long time since i've written on here. School/life was extremely hectic and I had no time really for anything but. But I am back and ready to rock and roll. At the current moment, it is 6:38 AM and I am wondering what in the world I am doing awake. Just can't sleep I guess. Should probably try and read but i'm not sure if i'm awake enough to do that and i don't want to "skip" over parts in my book because I don't remember what happened. At the beginning of the summer, I told myself I would read a lot of my books that I had picked up. A month and a half into things, however, i've completed one book that I was almost finished with and am about 70 pgs into my second. Not quite sure what happened there but i'm going to try my best to fix that. If anyone is interested as well, i can post my reviews on the books that I read (and hopefully they'll be fairly close together so long as I can myself actually do it) That seems to be the hard part, actually doing it. The current book I am reading now is definitely an interesting one. The different chapters are different parts in time it seems (although I think that by now everything is caught up to semi-present day) and there's a strange letter in old english that is a bitch of a read. Nothing has really happened yet in the book so I don't want to put it down in hopes that it will get much better and i'll enjoy it a little bit more. More information on the book when I actually complete it though, if I complete it. So this post didn't seem to make me any sleepier (if anything, it's made me more awake) so it looks like i'm going to need to find something else to do to make me sleepier. Better start looking.