An Apology to Those I've Hurt

I've been doing a lot of thinking over these past couple of weeks. In my mind, I keep on replaying all of these different scenes from past relationships and previous fuck ups. It's like this constant movie reel always rolling and replaying all of the most horrid instances in which I hurt people. Many different people to be exact. I am well aware that I am not an easy person to deal with and I give a lot of credit to all five of my past boyfriends for putting up with me as long as you did. Living with depression and an anxiety disorder is a very interesting way of life. It's as if I am two different people; the good, kind me who everyone loves and then there's the evil side to me. The one that tortures people and hurts them to their very core. In every decision I have to make, these two voices are battling back and forth with each picture. In the movies, this would be represented by the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. But this is not the movies and the way I have described it makes me sound as if i'm even more insane then I claim to be. But don't worry, being the psychology major, I have analyzed myself with as much unbias as possible to know that this is not the case. I am crazy, but only a certain kind of crazy. One I am able to accept and live with. I might've made peace with who I am, but I've never been able to make peace with what I am capable of doing to people. Out of the five "wonderful" boyfriends (Well actually only four of them were "wonderful." One of them truly was.) i've had, i've managed to fuck up three of them. Boyfriend #1 was already fucked up to begin with and #3 was too normal to do anything to. But as the title of this lovely little rant says, I am writing this to apologize those three guys even though I doubt they will ever read this. And if they do and figure out who is writing this, then hopefully they can accept my apology. #5 probably won't but you can't blame a girl for trying. Anyway, I feel absolutely terrible as to everything I have done to you three and have barely forgiven myself for it. I am trying but it isn't easy especially when you have your own personal movie playing over and over again in your head. If I could take back all of the evil and horrible things I have done to you then I would. As one of you have told me, this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and I know I will. I don't forgive easily, especially when the person i must forgive is myself. As someone very wise said, "You are your worst enemy." I am definitely my own.