Love

I think it's interesting how often people will tell each other "I love you." I find that the newer generations throw this word around as if it's nothing. Teenagers or people closer to my age group will date someone for a couple of days and start dropping the L-bomb around like it means absolutely nothing. How can you claim to love someone after having been with them for about 36 hours? (for example) I find it disgusting that these people claim to "love" their significant other before not really knowing anything about them to make a fair judgement.

I guess I shouldn't be judging too hard though. I've dated six guys and have told four of them that I love them. Three out of the four were told this within one month of dating them and one of my ex's I never even loved. I thought I did or at least convinced myself of that. But then again, I never really wanted to date him in the first place. I did it for his benefit. The first boy I ever told I loved was boyfriend # 2. With this one I at least waited a couple of months before saying it and knew I was sure of this decision. Saying "I love you" isn't something you can really take back so you need to be careful about throwing it around. It can get you into trouble if you're not careful. Even if you make sure that you really love the person before saying it, those three words can still get into you a lot of trouble. They definitely did for me. When I broke up with #2, he was heart broken. That took place at the end of June in 2009. I have not spoken to him recently but I believe that to this day he is still in love with me. And he likes to make this fact very well known. He never missed an opportunity to tell me so or how much he missed me. With the other three boys I have said the L-bomb too, I was a little less careful about it. In my experience, however, it didn't matter much when you said it. The result would turn out the same. Nobody being able to get over you. =P Two of the three other boys I did love when I said it. You'd be surprised how quickly one will fall in love again when they've had prior experience in the area. It's a pretty addictive feeling. With my current boyfriend, we said I love you to each other within one week of dating. This is very extreme especially for someone my age I feel but it's kinda been a special case. With him, it was love at first sight. I knew on our first date (also the first time I had ever met him in my life being as we were set up) that this was a boy that I could spend the rest of my life with. I still plan on doing just that. This is actually something I've never told my current boyfriend. Hopefully you guys won't reveal my secret either.

It's Funny How...

I think it's kinda funny how this entire summer i've been scared out of my mind. I've been afraid that my evil ex-boyfriend is going to come find me somewhere on this massive college campus and kill me. I know this seems a little....ok, a lot, extreme and it is. But when the nightmares come to get you in the middle of the night, you can't exactly tell them "You're not very realistic so please go away." If it did work like that, my nights would've been a lot more relaxing and filled with a lot more sleep. Social media networks have now made me realize that I have nothing to fear anymore. People post their entire lives on these things so it's becoming a lot easier to "stalk" people and find out about them and how life is treating them. Going onto ex #5's profile, I have discovered many things. The first and most obvious one that doesn't take much thought is that he is still single. Not that this matters much (I'm completely and totally over him) but it's nice to know. The second thing is that the upkeep on his profile isn't what it used to be. He posts stupid links to others pages and answers a comment here and there but no more status updates. The third and most important thing is that he's not as happy as I am. This boy is alone with his friends and nobody else. I doubt he's even gotten laid since me and that was May 30th to be exact. (what can I say? I'm good with dates) I've him once and only once on campus which means he's probably avoiding me because I feel I would've noticed him since then.  I say let him be miserable. Let him not be over me at all. I want him to suffer. Let him suffer the way i've been suffering for the past 4 months and see how he likes it. Me, i'm as happy as a pig in shit. Might not be the best simile, but I can't think of anything better at the current moment. I am over him and am moving forward in my life and in my career. I'm as busy as I possibly can be and i'm going to make something of myself one day. I also have a boyfriend whom i'm madly in love with and can see myself spending the rest of my life with. I do hope he feels the same. I know i've said this about other boys in the past, but this time seems different. Yea, i've said that too, but this time really does. The boy that calls you "perfect" is the one you should stay with, right? We shall most certainly find out.

Trapted

So all i've been doing this past week or so is just reading. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, unless you count staring at a computer screen waiting for someone to talk to something to do. I'm not one of those people though. It's been the same four purple walls and the same yellowish pages of my book. It's honestly driving me crazy. I want to be able to go out with my friends or just be able to go out. Sadly i've never been given that option. I'm not really sure what else i could be doing at home. There just doesn't seem to be anything besides my current activity. What i'm really amazed at is the fact that none of my friends have even called me to see where i've been. I don't think i've spoken to them in about four days and this doesn't seem to bother anymore. It makes me realize how alone in this world I truly am. Is this going to be what it'll be like when i'm back at school? Probably but I hope not. The only person I spent any time with last year was my ex-boyfriend but he hates me right now so calling him up and asking to hang out is out of the question. All I need is one friend. Just one. I'm not even going to be picky right now if it's a boy or a girl. Just one person to let me know that I actually mean something to someone and make me realize that life is in fact worth living. I don't see the point right now...

An Apology to Those I've Hurt

I've been doing a lot of thinking over these past couple of weeks. In my mind, I keep on replaying all of these different scenes from past relationships and previous fuck ups. It's like this constant movie reel always rolling and replaying all of the most horrid instances in which I hurt people. Many different people to be exact. I am well aware that I am not an easy person to deal with and I give a lot of credit to all five of my past boyfriends for putting up with me as long as you did. Living with depression and an anxiety disorder is a very interesting way of life. It's as if I am two different people; the good, kind me who everyone loves and then there's the evil side to me. The one that tortures people and hurts them to their very core. In every decision I have to make, these two voices are battling back and forth with each picture. In the movies, this would be represented by the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. But this is not the movies and the way I have described it makes me sound as if i'm even more insane then I claim to be. But don't worry, being the psychology major, I have analyzed myself with as much unbias as possible to know that this is not the case. I am crazy, but only a certain kind of crazy. One I am able to accept and live with. I might've made peace with who I am, but I've never been able to make peace with what I am capable of doing to people. Out of the five "wonderful" boyfriends (Well actually only four of them were "wonderful." One of them truly was.) i've had, i've managed to fuck up three of them. Boyfriend #1 was already fucked up to begin with and #3 was too normal to do anything to. But as the title of this lovely little rant says, I am writing this to apologize those three guys even though I doubt they will ever read this. And if they do and figure out who is writing this, then hopefully they can accept my apology. #5 probably won't but you can't blame a girl for trying. Anyway, I feel absolutely terrible as to everything I have done to you three and have barely forgiven myself for it. I am trying but it isn't easy especially when you have your own personal movie playing over and over again in your head. If I could take back all of the evil and horrible things I have done to you then I would. As one of you have told me, this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and I know I will. I don't forgive easily, especially when the person i must forgive is myself. As someone very wise said, "You are your worst enemy." I am definitely my own.

Long Time No See

So it's been a very long time since i've written on here. School/life was extremely hectic and I had no time really for anything but. But I am back and ready to rock and roll. At the current moment, it is 6:38 AM and I am wondering what in the world I am doing awake. Just can't sleep I guess. Should probably try and read but i'm not sure if i'm awake enough to do that and i don't want to "skip" over parts in my book because I don't remember what happened. At the beginning of the summer, I told myself I would read a lot of my books that I had picked up. A month and a half into things, however, i've completed one book that I was almost finished with and am about 70 pgs into my second. Not quite sure what happened there but i'm going to try my best to fix that. If anyone is interested as well, i can post my reviews on the books that I read (and hopefully they'll be fairly close together so long as I can myself actually do it) That seems to be the hard part, actually doing it. The current book I am reading now is definitely an interesting one. The different chapters are different parts in time it seems (although I think that by now everything is caught up to semi-present day) and there's a strange letter in old english that is a bitch of a read. Nothing has really happened yet in the book so I don't want to put it down in hopes that it will get much better and i'll enjoy it a little bit more. More information on the book when I actually complete it though, if I complete it. So this post didn't seem to make me any sleepier (if anything, it's made me more awake) so it looks like i'm going to need to find something else to do to make me sleepier. Better start looking.

Inspiring

I have fallen in love with the movie Julie and Julia. I watched it last night with some friends and found it to be very inspiring. But a word to the wise, do not watch this movie if you are hungry. It will only make things much worse for you. I am an inspiring foodie so i really enjoyed watching this. There are so many good looking dishes that the Julie makes that I had to buy Julia Child's cookbook mentioned in the movie. Sadly, i will not be able to try out the recipes myself for quite some time being as there are no kitchens available to students at my college. When i do get that chance, i'll let you know and maybe even post some pictures of my creations. I highly recommend you check out both of these products.  I'll post the links to both of these so you can check them out for yourself. If you want to check out other products I love, check out my widget.

Boys

They say the only man a girl can trust is her father. In my case, that isn't true. The only boy in my life i will ever trust is my best friend, Eric. He is the only guy who doesn't care about what i can offer them in the bedroom and is (somewhat) interested in what i have to say. Now granted, he isn't perfect. I don't believe any guy is but you can get pretty darn close and he's the closest I will ever find to perfection.  I hate all men however. They all lie to your face just to get you to take your clothes off for them and they have their way with you. I feel like i've heard it all by now. Every god damn line in the book. (And there is a book. Google it) They try to be like your friend and tell you how much they like you. Sometimes, they even promise you a lot more than just that one night. If there is anybody out there reading this, please do not fall for their words. They lie, each and every one of them. Just be careful. Take it from someone who knows, because i do.